Splatter Movie: The Director's Cut (2008) Horror Slasher

Splatter Movie: The Director's Cut - It's a film about a fictional independent horror crew shooting a movie about a crew of fictional filmmakers shooting a movie at haunted house attraction. What a movie within a movie within a movie sounds sort of confusing but really this is just a clever idea pulled off with precision by Amy Lynn Best and Mike Watt through their Happy Clouds pictures. Sprinkle in appearances by Debbie Rochon and Tom Sullivan with a competent cast and you have a slightly off kilter slasher that surprises where it can and fulfills expectations. The somewhat cynical approach the characters take when talking about what is involved in making independent horror brings a savory satire to the affair that promises a cliche but delivers something unexpected.
  In 2008 the film was featured in a Sirens of Cinema article and since Mike Watt was a contributor to the Magazine (maybe more I don't remember) and Happy Cloud Pictures were often covered I can understand the attention. These two have been making quality independent horror for a couple decades. In that article Best expressed her happiness with the set at the Hundred Acre Manor haunted attraction in Pennsylvania. A large facility with completed rooms made for a set that came ready for order. She and writer, partner Mike Watt spent a weekend looking at the location that Best described as "It went on forever and had some of the most wonderful sets." (Sirens of Cinema, vol 2 no.10 Identity Crisis: Dissecting Splatter Movie the Director's Cut by William Wright). They also worked on the script and the set dictated a lot of what they could do. It expanded and changed but remained a very character based story.
The film that came out of this experiment in meta film making is Splatter Movie: The Director's Cut and it is an surprising in its simplicity while still being complex in its structure. The story of  a film crew lead by Amy Lynn Parker (Best) as she directs a crew at the haunted attraction. There is this commentary on the what is needed to make an lower budget horror film. As Parker says in one of the in film interviews with her character. "When we first started making movies all you needed was a shower scene. Now you have to have a minimum of a shower scene and at two lesbian sex scenes, a randomly placed naked tits, we've been trying to figure out how to motivate everything and still mix it up." Since this is a movie in a movie this is the director character talking about the movie they are filming Tesseract, but also about the low budget movie realities. Sure there are lots of horror movies that do not follow this formula but for real horror junkies, myself included as you move down the food chain of more and more limited budgets there is the choice to increase the nudity as the money gets smaller.

   There is an argument to be made that this is a choice that the movie makers are limiting themselves to. Then by including the nudity and sex that the film makers are creating the environment where that is expected by the fans. Or you could say they are playing to a particular audience and could instead choose a different audience that loves horror but is the 'show me some titties' crowd.  It may also be a matter of scale because what I consider a small or micro budget may be giant to a company like Happy Cloud. Consider The Signal (2007) made for 50k and took in more than 500k, this seems like a low budget film but what could they have done if the only had 10k, would the film still be as successful? Or the the example everyone knows about Paranormal Activity (2007) that was make for 15k and has pulled in 193 million. What is the difference between these films that did not smear the screen with sex and nudity and the low budget films that feel the need to have a couple women in nightgowns making out and heavy petting? Is this an issue where the movie makers are boxing themselves in or are the returns on the films they made dictating the content? This film manages to not only have the conversation about nudity in the inner film Tesseract but also includes it in the outer film Splatter movie under the guise of playful actresses and crew. So is the point to complain within the inner movie while doubling the thing you are complaining about in the outer film? I am really not making an argument either way but it seems a conversation I would not mind hearing on a panel horror convention.

  Best for her part attempts turn expectations sideways  even if still participating in the exploitation. The rape scene as it place out in the inner film with Debbie Rochon playing herself  and a character that is a jaded stalking fan seems to be a pretty shocking and  an F-U to the viewers who are waiting for there misogynistic fill of violence against women. The film though is not preachy it really is a look behind the scenes of a micro-budget film making. While doing so it gives the viewer some tense moments where the killer is making a mess of the production. Finishing with a twist the film leaves the viewer in a place they did not expect to be. Now you may notice I watch a lot of Amy Lynn Best films. Something about her that just strikes me the right way. We really should be friends and probably wopuld be if we lived closer to each other. So check out the list of movies or search her name and see what else you can see that she had a hand in. As I have done so far this year; I am doing as an experiment my Twitter account @Soresport is dedicated to following and being followed by people in and behind the scenes. Then I am also hoping some of them follow me back. I do fear that Twitter has become too much of a promotional tool for people in film to actually get those follow backs but hey its an experiment. Now since the last post I have been followed back by Southbound's @HiRadioSilence and @BettinelliOlpin showing that they are not too into self promotion to put up with my tweet's about beer and food and horror movies. Thanks guys!

Femme Fatales Magazine

Femme Fatales Magazine was a B-Movie sci-fi horror magazine I read from the late 90s to about 06, So I was in my thirties and so very much into genre film at the time. I loved this magazine for the focus on small independent films filled with scream queens and horror and gore. When I first started reading it it was smaller and focus more in my interests but after 2003 or so it became more like Maxim or FHM and I started to lose interest. The wiki page in the link gives a nice concise history of the magazine. I would say though that for me it introduced me to some of my favorite horror actresses. Debbie Rochon, Tiffany Shepis, Brinke Stevens and too many others to name. It covered the independent horror scene in detail and with enthusiasm, giving the writers producers, directors and actors a forum to promote their work. Femme Fatales brought the actresses on board as writers giving an opportunity for these woman to not only be the object of the magazine focus in front of a camera but also contributor to the discussions behind. After the shift to a more objectifying presentation in 2003 I have to say I moved away from this  and my collection ends in 2006.  They got into the Sexiest Women's list and the such that all these teaser magazines were doing at the time and as entertaining as that can be it was not really why I was reading Femme Fatales.
Yeah yeah I know you want to know who the top ten sexiest women in 2006 were. It is ten years later and you have to wonder what they are up to now.
10. Sophia Bush -  At the time an actress on One Tree Hill and Nip Tuck she is a successful television actress who has a recurring role of Erin Lindsay on the Chicago Fire, Chicago med, Chicago PD and Law and Order Special Victims Unit. @SophiaBush
9. Amber Smith - Spokes-model and actress she gain fame through modelling and for a while was a very hot item. She was featured in Michelob Ultra amber lite beer campaign where she shuttled around the country doing promotions. She has acting career with regular gigs in soft pornish adult shows Sin City Diaries 2007 and Lingerie 2010.  Maybe a real account on Twitter? @AmberLeeSmith
8. Jessica Alba - Successful businesswoman and actress with the face of an angel. Recently watched her in The Veil (2016) which I have not gotten around to writing about. At the time of this list she was a 25 year old who just finished the first Frank Miller's Sin City (2005) film.
7. Masuimi Max - They list her claim to fame as being the world's most notorious German-Asian fetish model. Ten years later it seems her career is still oing strong Facebook page here and website here. @masuimimax
6. Stacy Fuson - At the time she was the St. Pauli Girl! She now describes herself as a Business Executive | Model | Actress | Entrepreneur | Philanthropist | Playboy Playmate | Poker Shark and is all over the social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and a website. This woman knows how to promote herself.
5. Emmanuelle Vaugier -  Fresh off a part in House of the Dead 2 this lovely lady came in the fifth position. This actress singer is still working hard in the industry. An actress and singer she can be found on Twitter, and her own website.
4. Ziyi Zhang - Having just been in several high profile films, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon(200), Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) and 2046 (2004) she was and is a fine actress but at the time of the list was at a peak in recognition.
3. Charlize Theron - Probably still making sexiest women lists, she was in an off time with a couple not great movies in a row after the Oscar worthy performance in Monster (2003). Still she is one of the loveliest women around and recently is killing it with the awesome role of  Imperator Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). On Twitter
2. Scarlett Johansson - described at the time as America's most respected barely legal sex symbol, Scarlet's fame has certainly grown over the last ten years. She is massive at this point in her career and still if not more beautiful.
1. Angelina Jolie - Yeah you should have expected this one. So big she does not need to use social media she and husband Brad Pitt are in the entertainment news constantly. A little research and even a decade later she is making lists. These things are definately for the young and marketably hot at the time of construction. So where she has been more raising children than  selling herself we can understand her slipping to #72 in the recent FHM poll.

The Theatre Bizarre (2011) Horror Anthology

The Theatre Bizarre (2011) - Anthologies have been really making a comeback the last few years. The VHS films and the ABCs of Death are a couple more successful entries. The Theater Bizarre with some wonderfully strange stories, more of a weird tales than hard horror is the latest to be reviewed here. Search anthology on the site for more reviews. This one starts a fever dream of an artist, Enola Penny (Virginia Newcomb) obsessed with the old theater across the street from her. Seeming emotionally unstable and frigidity she is drawn from her apartment into the theater. A scattering of mannequins occupy seats in the audience. Her presence raises a puppet like master of ceremonies, Peg Poett (Udo Kier) who reveals some other mechanized puppet that leads into each of the stories of this anthology. The trick of the interwoven piece is as each time the master of ceremonies returns he is a bit more human. Enola at the end becomes one of the puppets deposited onstage to become part of the play for the next person drawn to the Theatre Bizarre. It was written by Zach Chassler and directed by Jeremy Kasten. There was a depth of clarity missing in this piece where it did not have meaning in a way that the viewer could see it as one of the parts of the whole. Sure it connected the stories giving a familiar place to come back to and a way into the next. It was not strong enough though to stand on its own. It's meaning not communicated strongly enough leaving it just a device and not a self supporting piece of the film. It did have the wonderful treat of having the renown actor Udo Kier, a veteran of genre film, extraordinary performer he brings an expertise that raises the piece and at 70 years old commands a frame better than most actors.
The first is Mother of Toads about an anthropologist Martin (Shane Woodward) and his girlfriend, Karina (Victoria Maurette) who come across an old star symbol at a market in an old French village . The Store keeper, Mere (Catriona MacColl) talks of it being part of her family traditions for generations. She invites him (a fact not lost on his girlfriend) to come to the french countryside to see a copy of the Necronomicon.  As someone who studies such things Martin starts fitting the trip into their schedule right away without really consulting  but more explaining how its going to happen. There is some nice simple character dialog in this piece that defines the characters and brings the viewer right into their situation. He obviously has been here for a longer time than she and his condescending attitude quickly brings up the cracks in their relationship. She arrives to join him, a vacation for her and he has his interests forefront in his mind paying less attention to her than he should. Slightly obsessed with the symbols on a marker near the road, that he sees as signs, the boundary between the real world and the spirit world. We are having him cross a boundary, it may not be completely clear to the audience as this transition is subtle and it is certainly not clear to Karina who just wants to get to the spa but there is a symbolic change.
  Martin arrives at the house of Mere and fails to notice the symbols on the floor below the table she sits him at. We begin to learn that she is a witch and follower of the Mother of Toads and through mostly musical queues we see that her intentions for him go beyond sharing her beliefs. It is a classic motif of a witch seducing a traveler on the road and is done with atmosphere and style by director Richard Stanley. Mere is played with, possibly overplayed by MacColl yet another veteran actor who known for some favorites from the seventies, The Beyond, House by the Cemetery and City of the Living Dead. Stanley also holds a place in genre hearts with his wonderful, Dust Devil, as well as directing the less acclaimed The Island of Dr. Moreau and Hardware. He pulls no punches with this story and it is appreciated.
 Seduced and condemned the couple could have been part of an elaborate fever dream but instead we get some harsh reality. Karina coming back to pick up her missing boyfriend discovers the drugged and in the throws of some slimy lust making with a younger more fuck-able version of  Mere. She runs off into the now toad filled countryside to meet her doom. He wakes staring at an old photo that could be him.It's some old magic that enchanted him. A creature with the desire for a former lover a role that he easily filled.  The Mother of Toads has found the love of her past in the present and his inevitable rejection of her will also mean he is short for this world. There are some excellent visuals at this point in the movie. Groggy Martin wakes and the first indication we the audience get that things are awry is the clawed amphibian are draped over the man. Then as he gets up we get the full view of the toad creature sleeping next to him, our view from above.
  A dark tale warning that one should never reject a god. Mere certainly gives Martin the chance to save himself. She offers him more of the wonders of a goddess if only he will stay and be hers. His rejection seals his fate.
  The second tale, "I Love You" opens with a man Axel (André Hennicke) waking on a bathroom floor of his bathroom with a gash on his hand and wondering why his wife, Mo (Suzan Anbeh) is not home. An obsessive man with a drinking problem he is a man losing the woman he loves. He wants to know everything about her life at all times. She has decided that the overly attentive husband is not what she wants, but is is more than that. There is an intimacy problem that they have where he thinks sex is for him and fails to meet her needs. As we learn more we start to wonder about whether this is what it seems or some sort of hallucination the broken man is having. The story unfolds and we learn more and more about how broken their relationship has been. They have a conversation but the whole time you can think this is his subconscious working out the reasons why he has sunk so far. As the memories come to him now back in the aftermath on his bathroom floor we see that things are much worse than previously presented. It is an incredibly sad take on the dangers of  beautiful crazy love and how we create the reality we want when in its thrall. Written and directed by Buddy Giovinazzo.
  In "Wet Dreams" we meet a man Donnie (James Gill) driven by his desire but where his fantasies that become horrible nightmares. A wife Carla (Debbie Rochon) with emotional and physical scars theirs is a relationship on the rocks. Donnie's therapist Dr Maurey (Tom Savini) tries to help him get to the bottom of it but that role does not seem professional in his interactions with Donnie, maybe this is the first hint of the twisty twist of this segment. Whose dream is this anyway? Sometimes the penalty for our actions can't be dispelled by recognizing it is a nightmare. Making it hard to tell what is fantasy and what is reality is a problem for this segment. Maybe its the writing by John Esposito or maybe its the Directing by Savini or editing by Douglas Buck, or even this viewer may have been the issue but this segment was hard to define. Certainly it is a revenge tale but what part of it is real?
  "The Accident" is a meditation on death, framed in the eyes of a little girl who saw death on the side of the road. Traveling in her car a motorcycle hits a deer and is killed. The child trying to understand what she has seen asked her mother a bunch of question. She sees the suffering deer still alive and her mother calling the accident in. Cut with Mother (Lena Kleine) and Child (Melodie Simard) discussing the incident later. Touching but these type of stories have a hard to pull off. The child seems too smart in her dialog and the explanations too simple. It makes you wonder who the audience the piece is intended for. It is well done and a topic anyone with children will at some time have to breach. Not really fitting neatly with the other pieces in this film as it is far from the bizarre threshold the film name implies. Still writer director Douglas Buck makes a emotional short about the fragility of life.
  "Vision Stains" A strange but enjoyable story of a women gone mad with visions of other peoples memories. This young woman (Kaniehtiio Horn), a psychopath really learns that the key memories of a person's life are captured in the fluid of their eyes. When they die all those memories come to the forefront and can be extracted using a needle. So this young woman kills homeless women and using a needle extracts the memories from their eyes in what is wonderfully done special effects. She then injects this eye fluid in her own eye and relives the victims life memories. She records all she sees into journals and sees herself not as an addicted killer but as a recorder of those women's lives. Her commitment is important to her next idea where she steps even a step further than she has. Not ready to settle for live that have been lived she wants to see the memories of someone who has yet to see. Then things go horribly wrong. Writer / director Karim Hussain has statements in the climax about predestination and lack of original lives and stories was cynical, first in its assumption of even a distracted God but second in that knowing we are predestined seemed unbearable. A side note that there are several stories about people coming out of the theater during Visions Stains and fainting from the eye damage special effects.
The final story "Sweets" is a sad and sorry tale of a relationship at its end.Written and directed by David Gregory it is centered around the gluttony of sweets. We see a fat (ish) man, Greg (Guilford Adams) struggling to come to terms with his attractive girlfriend Estelle (Lindsay Goranson) as she dumps him. The Excellent straight faced liturgy of cliche excuses she runs though are a great counter to his overly emotional almost child like whining. The disgusting room filled with rotting sweets is the perfect metaphor for the  crumbling relationship. Then the mixed in scenes of them in happier times is a perfect counter of then and now. Then when the turn of the story come it is so wonderfully evil that it makes the whole story. The truly grisly scene is worth the wait.
  Overall this was an interesting anthology. Like every anthology the opportunity to have hits and misses is there. This one hits more than it misses. Strange is what it is about and it lives up tho its title of Bizarre. Recommended.

Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader (2000) Horror Slasher

Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader (2000) - Hand it to writer, director, producer Jeff Miller for making this attempt at a 'who's the killer?' slasher film. Even though it was painfully obvious that he had very little money and although ultimately not making a good film he certainly made a small independent slasher with a script that worked hard to keep the viewer guessing. Working each scene to create or reenforce a red herring or a foreshadowing he creates for a viewer no less than a half dozen suspects before revealing the killer. Coming out four years after Scream (1996) this film tries to capture some of the structure of that film but ultimately fails for obvious reasons. You could say this seems derivative of that famous and more professional production, and you would be correct. Maybe that last comment was not very fair but if this film was made for the same budget it still may have been an inferior product. Although the writing is solid in that it is efficient and plotted fairly well it fails to develop character beyond what is needed for the 'who is killing cheerleaders?' question. The work put in to get the audience questioning just about every characters as they interact with the final girl really interferes with the erotetic narrative in that there are so many false questions being posed that ultimately the gems of truth pointing to the fluid narration is lost.
Heather (Tasha Biering) our main character gets the most back story Her Father was the  first male cheerleader of the high school. He is gone and her Mother away on business is an absentee parent. Poor Heather has had a series of failed relationships with boys from not only her school but from the rival Airfield high school. This gives us a whole lot of possible killers, her current boyfriend Danny (Dan Roach), the footballer her Mother freaked out about Chris (Andre B. Walker), rival QB Jimmy (Kirk Bair), they all have motivations that are shown in the setup scenes. Each comes across as creepy rude or possessive in their own way to get the audience guessing. Adding to the list of people who were pushed as possible murderers were Jezabel (Amber Coker) the girl Heather kept off the cheerleader squad. The touchy feely football coach Cranford (Bobby Cerutti) who secretly tapes the cheerleaders locker room. Drifter old guy Hatterman who supposedly killed in the past and even the fat old sheriff who manages to be creepy talking about Heathers Mother. Most of the second act in fact is to introduce each suspect and then have them do something or have somebody throw suspicion on them.
   Mixed in are the kills first of poor Trish the freshman cheerleader off screen who is only shown as a head in a bag. Then the money shot of cheer coach Riley (Debbie Rochon) who is axed after taking a hot tub and talking on what is now a really antiquated cell phone. After she shows her beautiful breasts she has one lopped off and dies in a bloody mess. Why is it every time a character shows her body does she have to die. Sexualizing the murder of women seems to be a traditional thing to do in slasher films but it is hard to rationalize. You rarely see men exposing there bodies before having their junk lopped off. A few red shirts are introduced just to be axed to death without a fight, again one of the girls removes her shirt which apparently is a signal that she needs to die. (I might add that the twist at the end of this film put a very different perspective on these scenes, but I am not sure if the messaging of it is any better.)
  If you were going to pinpoint the main failure of the film it has to be the lead. Heather never quite carries the sense of jeopardy she needs to. Whether it is the writing or the acting she just falls flat. Even when the character knows that danger is all around her she acts as if she is not sure she is in danger. Examples of this are: She is at home for the night. She lives out in the boondocks and there is no easy way to get help. When she starts getting creepier and creepier calls from the killer she is reluctant to call the police and even though she has knowledge that her classmates are being killed she fails to give any details to the police when she does call. She just asks for a car to check around her house.Later she is threatened even more menacingly and then gets a call from her Mother from out of town, instead of saying anything to her Mom she says everything is fine. Things at this point are definitely not fine. The killer just called pretending to have her cat and threatened to kill it. It just does not make any sense. On a side note another thing that does not make a lot of sense, the football team players getting together to kill birds and cats and string them to the goalposts as a act that will psyche them up for the big game. What is that?
  The third act is the revelation of who the killer really is and the struggle to see if Heather will survive the night. Although there are some decent practical effects the unknown until now protector is not foreshadowed and the exposition needed to explain the character was tedious. The similarity of the scenes to those in Scream are too close to be by accident. The energy of the bad guy matches the energetic performances of that earlier movie. After all the red herrings smacking the audience in the face, it was disappointing that the seeds of the killer story were not sown during the second act. Then everything has to be explained. It is all out of left field.
  As a reviewer it is useful to see a film like Head Cheerleader because it helps you see more clearly what went right in  the smash hit like Scream. There is a reasonable body count for a slasher movie somewhere around seven or eight, still though this film left something out that it needed to be more successful. On top of the illogical wreck the third act was is the tagged on ending. A trope used during the film where the gloved killer is writing the names of the victims on a list under one of the three headings Killed, Stalked  or Called and we flash to the end of this after all the killing of the final act is over and we are sure the killer has been dealt with. To then suggest that the killer is still out there is something every viewer will call bullshit on. When all is said and done you can appreciate that Jeff Miller can execute a project like this but it still can't be recommended by this blog. Everyone has their own tastes and sure this film will be acceptible to some but there is no recommendation coming here.

Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (2009) Horror Christmas

Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (2009) - So we have made it to the third installment of this micro-budget film series. Let me take a minute to reflect on how I have viewed them so far. Since each has basically the same story a group of hot girls and some guy characters end up at a party where they are attacked by a killer named The Chef. There is a lot of running and screaming, gags, tits and self referential humor and pretty good music. The thing is I had two very different reviews of the first two films. I stated I loved watching the cheesy fun of the films but in Bikini Bloodbath only rated the film 1.1 of a possible 10. I was sure that although a sit amused and entertained there is only a very small audience that will view it that way. The satire will totally be lost on most and so I rated the film not how much I liked it but by how well done of a movie I thought it was taking into account the audience that may see it after reading my review. I believe this was a mistake mostly because the hundred or so readers I get in a week can pretty much tell from the right up what this film is and don't need me filtering for them.  So in my review of Bikini Bloodbath Carwash I just wrote about the experience for me and that film got a high recommended rating of 5.6.
 With the holiday season I am now covering the next in the series Bikini Bloodbath Christmas and it really is more of the same.
  The opening credits of the butcher cleaving liver and creating packages with the credits on them was cool but how freaking long did that go on. They really could have fast forwarded a bit on that. We open with a series of people waking up from nightmares, the lead Jenny and her friend Sharon (Niki Ruben) pop up in bed after Jenny has a nightmare about The Chef, the killer they both have survived in the two prior movies. Although the characters have survived the actresses have changed. The original Jenny was played by Leah Ford, but in the final two films by Rachael Robbins. The character Sharon has been played by three different actresses, Anna-Karin Eskilsson, Natalie LaSpina and now in Christmas, Niki Rubin. Sharon has the unfortunate ongoing gag in the films of being insulted about her weight repeatedly. Not that any of the actresses have weight issues but that is what makes it a gag. The waking from a nightmare, scene is repeated with a couple other characters from the film for comic and shocking effect. The one with Gena Davis (Phil Hall) is shocking but this is a Christmas movie after all so lets keep the Christ in Christmas.
  The storyline is this There are two stores that share a courtyard, the Snotlocker, which is where Jenny, Sharon and there friends work. It is like Newbury comics if it was also a head shop. It is run by Mrs Johnson the English sister of the Miss Johnson (Debbie Rochon) from Bikini Bloodbath Carwash, The Mrs. is played in drag by Dick Boland. Next door is the Underground Deli run by Gena Davis which has a group of "foreign" girls working there headed by William Defoe (Margaret Rose Champagne). They have dueling Santa Claus displays where people can come and sit on Santa's lap outside their respective stores and apparently have some tension about the courts use. At one point there is a Santa fight between the two. How does any of this tie into the main plot which will include killing and running and screaming?
  Well if you have seen either of the first two movies then you know the killer is the Chef and he went after Jenny in a big way. Being the survivor of the films she is a bit traumatized by it so the mean William Defoe challenges her to meet at the Chef's grave at night. That way we get the killer back in the picture. Now the only thing missing is a party, and wouldn't it figure that the duel holiday party of the two shops will be held that night at Miss Johnson's house. Why miss John's house, because her sister is watching it while she is in the hospital of course. We visited the hospital with Jenny and Mrs. Johnson and see her in a coma, apparently from having her intestines ripped out in the second film.
  The film follows the tried and true formula of raising the killer from the dead and him showing up at the party and killing most of the guests. Many of the gags in the first two films are reprised for us in this movie. Mostly though there are lots of flashbacks to the first two films, and they just happen to be the flashbacks to women without clothes. Yes this third film goes out of its way to work in almost every boob shot from each of the first two films. As if that was not enough the beautiful women in this film also expose themselves on multiple occasions and everyone works in bikinis. Like I said in each of my last two reviews, I find the ridiculous slasher satire hilarious and really like these films. They are not for most people but are a fun sidebar from the horror I normally cover on this blog.
  This film although following a pattern established in the first two films has its own personality and a wonderful twist at the end. There are decent practical effects in the kills, again the music is good and there is another cameo by Lloyd Kaufman which include special effects.
Rating (5.0) 5.0 and up are recommended, some more recommended than others.

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008) Horror Comedy

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008) - Playing into my need to watch low budget film, this entry is everything I hoped. About a year ago I reviewed Bikini Bloodbath (2006) and although the production values were low, the script was a bit simplistic and well, poor. I enjoyed the fun attitude of the movie enough that when this one came from my Netflix queue I was actually excited. It was everything I expected too, boobs, bikinis comedy, practical effects and fun. The ridiculousness of this film can not be over stated, it is a silly story that sort of takes a similar route as the first film. It is a not a remake but it is a sequel and many of the elements of the first film are again on display.
  The surviving character Jenny ( Rachael Robbins) is back and attending college with her friends. The character played by a completely different actress has transformed from a petite brunette to a buxom blonde and since there are many scenes of the girls in bikinis washing cars the change is not without its strengths. She and her equally well endowed friend Sharon (Natalie LaSpina) have to deal with crass sexually aggressive teachers, Professor Shipwreck (Phil Hall) and Dr Zartan (Dick Boland) while also fending off the male college students. This time all the guys have tee shirts that say "College Student" identifying them so no one will wonder and the two strange guys have "German Exchange Student" shirts. It is a joke from the first film carried over here and somewhat amusing. The guy character have their roles, the foreign exchange students say inappropriate things and dance strangely. The lead student Todd ( Jack Flaherty) is the backup intramural quarterback and has a running gag with throwing a football at inopportune times. His heavy buddy is the queer joke guy Gary (Matt Ford) who continually is catty with the girls while making passes at Todd. I appreciated the reduced amount of gay jokes here, limiting it to just the one character. It works alot better making it a personal between the two characters.

 There is going to be a party on the weekend and everyone is going but first there are classes and work. The girls Jenny and Sharon as well as several others, Lucy (Sheri Lynn), Scarlett (Margaret Rose Champagne) [Wow is that a stripper name or what?] Lonnie (Natasha Nielsen), Mercedes (Sarah Dauber), Sam (Dana Fay Ensalata) and Peaches (Kate Gorman) all work at the local car wash. It is run by the "bitter lesbian" Miss Johnson (Debbie Rochon) who pushes the girls to wear skimpy bikinis and secretly wishes she could frolic with them. Even she is gearing up to attend the party on the weekend. Her character is somewhere between abusive and sad as she seem sexually frustrated surrounded by the clueless beauties. She whole heartedly attacks the role and is very funny through out.
  The problem with sequels is that you have to somehow get the killer, who has been disposed of in the first film, back up and killing. In this case the girls at the party? or just before have a seance and  mistakenly raise the killer "The Chef" (Robert Cosgrove Jr) from his grave. Then there is the slashing and killing at the party always in isolation so that one by one the characters can be killed off. The Chef not as featured as in the first movie does have his moments like when he loses his chef hat.

  The special practical effect are better in this one than in Bikini Bloodbath but still this is a low budget affair so they are not great. Alot though was done with camera angles that hid the fakeness of them. So some kudo to the makers of the film Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour. Also I just thought this was a bit more well presented and it made for an enjoyable watch. There were a couple of drawn out sequences that could have been shortened, the car wash scenes, that are shot music video style, then continuing with the guys coming by to break dance on a piece of cardboard leading into the Michael Jackson knife fight between Miss Johnson and Lucy. The dance scene at the party also goes on way too long but otherwise this fun little film was cool. The gore effects were improved in the film and the music pretty decent too. Overall though I thought it was better staged than the first film in the series.

  Again I have to warn that my glowing review will probably not match the experience of most of you. This is far from a mainstream movie. It is a campy fun independent film made by people who just want and love to make movies. It will win no awards and most people will just think it is stupid, but what do they know? They obviously had fun making it and that spirit comes through but it is thinly plotted and not to the standards of most movie goers. Of course after seeing "The Master" I will take this film and all its brother and sisters before sitting through that piece of shit again. The humor is a bit juvenile and it is exploitative in its approach to woman, gays , men, well just about everyone. Still I thought it was okay being that sometime this is just the kind of film I want to see to pull me from my heavy horror movie queue. So if you are looking for some B movie campy fun check this one out.
Rating (5.6) 5.0 and above are recommended, some more recommended than others.

Severe Injuries (2003) Horror Comedy

Severe Injuries (2003) - Melvin Hubble (Charlie Fleming) is a very unsuccessful serial killer, in overalls and a welders mask and toting a machete, in the first scene we see him chasing down a woman in the woods. Like in all classic slasher films she falls as he closes in ready to dismember her. Wait though she grabs a stick and attacks, the best defense is a good offense, she is successful in beating him silly and getting away. Melvin downtrodden from his failure has to tell his Dad (Bill Watt) of his failure and wonders aloud if he is suited for mass murder. It is the way of the family explains his father, a family tree full of lunatics but no relatives that were good at becoming mass murderers.  He humorously goes through several of the ancestors and even explains how he failed in his attempt at mass murder. When Melvin hands him the fork his Dad uses to accidentally electrocute himself on the toaster his father is so proud. His son killing him, things are looking up for the family. Now it is up to Melvin to carry on the family tradition of wanting to kill kill kill. You know from these opening scenes that this is a comedy based on slasher films.
It is not a film that will take itself serious and that light hearted direction is what makes this film fun to watch.  Off to the Ro Ro Ro (your boat) sorority for a weekend of partying and maybe murder. Its a Friday night and the girls at this college want to party, Suzie (Robyn Griggs), Tina (Stacey Bartlebaugh-Gmys) and Amber (Jenna Bull-Trombold) invite their guys over for a party. They will even include the older sorority sister Lauren (Amy Lynn Best) in their plans. This weekend they are trying to make their feminist literature Professor (Debbie Rochon is an amusing cameo) proud by following the lead of Lysistrata. Basically not allowing the men in their live to have sex for the weekend. The guys, Ed (Francis Veltri), Steve (Bill Hahner) and Brad (Michael Athey) as well as Ed's brother Neal (Bill Homan) can't be happy to learn that the party is going to turn into a night of popcorn and chick flicks. Of course that's not the only problem for the guys, and the girls for that matter. Stalking them all is Melvin and he is determined to finally be the killer his father always hoped for.
  It is important to point out now before I start talking about what I like and dislike that this is not a good film. It feels more like a bunch of friends getting together to have some fun spoofing slasher films.  I have a dilemma on one hand I really enjoy sort of poor horror if there is personality to it. On the other hand if I recommend a film that fits just my tastes and everyone hates it I lose credibility as the reviewer. So this film will probably have a low score but I thought it was kicks.  The sound quality is poor and the framing is not particularly interesting. The script is a bit juvenile with cartoonish characters and silly comedy.
That said I get a certain enjoyment from this type of film that no normal person should. I like it all, the father talking to Melvin about his less than stellar lunatic family, to Melvin's ridiculous stalking of people on the way to Ro Ro Ro, or the worst thing of all the house mother man dressed in drag playing the old lady. Seeing the "Moron's guide to the Clifford notes of Lysistrata I laughed. My daughter Joy watching with me just rolls her eyes and leaves the room but me I can't wait for the next bit. The twist of the two killers where every time Lauren seems to be making progress with Neal he needs to sneak off for a fresh attempt at a kill is great. Or the bit where one of the girls talks about the sorority's promises during the non-sexual paddling. You see my problem, most of this stuff is cute but not great. There are some intelligent exchanges between Lauren and Holly (Lilith Stabs) but most of the female characters are drawn to be ditsy young college girls. The guys as hormonal clods have just a poor development and really only Neal is even remotely intellectually astute, and he is a killer maniac. I guess if there is one thing that comes out of this film to take away it is the three rules of watching a chick flick with your girl. Even still writer Mike Watt needed to get the rules more defined than they were.
  The competing killers are funny and the idea is a solid one. Melvin probably the first sympathetic serial killer in film finally succeeds in his dreams of mass murder. Once he gets that first kill he really gets rolling too. In the end the house was really much more full of people than first thought as easily 6 additional bodies are shown in the climax even though those characters never existed. When the final girl Lauren finds her way to Holly's room she struggles for survival. Luckily for her her roommate rides her boyfriend in a cowgirl suit and with loaded six shooters. The final two scenes with the indomitable Lloyd Kaufman and Brinke Steven's (in her last shower scene ever?) were a cute addition. So you see I am torn, I really had fun with this film and have a soft spot for really independent no budget horror films. A lot of the ideas although cute are juvenile humor so most people will hate them. The lighting is almost non existent and the sound is poor but the crew seems to be having a good time. Still I think 70 percent of people who view this film will absolutely hate it.
Rating (3.7) 5.0 and up are recommended, some more recommended than others.

Bikini Bloodbath (2006) - Horror Slasher Satire

Bikini Bloodbath (2006) - Bikini Bloodbath is a really low budget, slasher satire with some pretty bad acting, horrible gay football player jokes, a silly killer French Chef, and lots of boobies. So naturally it was great. No it wasn't but we wanted it to be great. It will be known in my head at least as the film Debbie Rochon dies in and her last words are "Beaver". The plot is simple, there is a killer on the loose looking to kill for killings sake. The Chef as he known is one really crazy french guy played for laughs by Robert Cosgrove Jr. He flits in and out of the picture making kills with really low budget practical effects. The local girls volleyball team is having a party this particular weekend at Jenny's (Leah Ford) house. The are all buxom babes not afraid to show a bit of skin. There is the obligatory shower scene and girls goofy off and picking on the outcast of the group Smelly Suzy (Sheri Lynn). Of course the women playing the teens are way too old and the dialog is awful but it is amusing that they can get through the scenes without cracking up laughing at the stupid tropes and cliches they are spilling across the film.
The movie bounces between the girls getting together at Jenny's, Smelly Suzy sitting at home by herself, and the football players party at another house. The main point of the girls scenes are to get them in as few clothes as possible and have them party and play games like Twister. The Suzy scenes are to show the lonely girl as she starts to worry about the killer being around. This is also played for comedy with the actress Sheri Lynn doing a fairly competent comedy turn. She manages to fall and knock herself out twice. The Football players party, you know they are football players because they all wear shirts that say "Football Player" on them, are all about gay jokes. We all know that the homosexuality and jocks go hand and hand job so this is played to the max. The two freshmen of the team come to realize with excruciating clarity that all the males at the party ore sort of acting gay with each other. These section of the film are so hard to watch. Every joke is obvious and ham handed. It was necessary to keep repeating that it was done for satire effect that someone didn't really think these jokes were funny. Or did they?
When the killer finally closes in on our main group there are poor decisions, lots of drinking, silly antics and unimpressive deaths. For this reviewer the scene where Sharon (Anna-Karin Eskilsson) heads out to get help and then is seen sitting in a taco joint eating a burrito is the best part of the whole movie. Now don't get me wrong, although as a reviewer this "film" is pretty awful but personally I love this crap. There is a duality here that I struggle with. I can't recommend this film to anyone. In fact if you watch it from reading this review don't blame me. On the other hand I loved that I watched it. I in fact would love to be in a movie like this. It is silly and fun but just not good. Sick I know but what can I say.
I loved the extras on the disc particularly the music by White Liger and Rebecca Nurse.
Rating (1.1) 5.0 and up are recommended

Witchouse 3: Demon Fire (2001) - Horror Witches

Witchouse 3: Demon Fire (2001) - The third in the series happened after Full Moon Pictures started a partnership with Tempe pictures, this one was done by the Tempe people. Shot in California there seems to be no connections to the first two in the series other than the character of the witch Lilith Le Fey. I was wondering after the finality of the ending in Witchouse II: Blood Coven how a third in the series was going to resurrect Lilith, and the answer is just make unconnected shit up. It has the same writer and director as Blood Coven but man this is not really a trilogy. They up the attractive quotient by bringing in the beautiful and talented Debbie Rochon (Stevie) as well as Tanya Dempsey (Annie) and Tina Krause (Rose) closing out the cast is Paul Darrigo as Burke and Brinke Stevens as Lilith.
This story begins with Burke hitting Annie while arguing. This bit of domestic violence sets Annie off to stay with her friends, Rose and Stevie who live on the coast. She arrives to see her friends engaged in filming some sort of witchcraft ritual. Really though they are just playing as Stevie is making a documentary about local witches groups. She explains all about her work while having drinks in the hot tub. Since Stevie has been into witchcraft and Goth stuff since her teen years it is only natural that she would get a job documenting people who really think they are witches. Once properly lubricated the three decide they should try a spell from a book Stevie owns. The spell attracts the spirit of Lilith LeFey.
Rose starts seeing her in the shadows but when she turns there is no one there, but the message left behind "Burn Witches Burn" must mean something scary since it shows up so the turn has something to turn on. Not limited to Rose both Stevie and Annie have encounters with LeFey. An incident in a parking garage, and the women are on edge. They don't know why this is happening but Stevie throws out this little bit of wisdom. Its perception vs reality, because they believed in what they were doing, that belief is what made it a reality. To balance the supernatural with more earthly reasons for the goings on we have boyfriend Burke who tackles a jogging Stevie on the beach. She struggles free being the tough nut she is and then he says he just wanted to talk. Really? Tackle wrestle, uh how about "Excuse me Stevie can we talk?" He explains about Annie being one crazy bitch and that he is not abusing her. Stevie doesn't really believe it and sends him away.
This is the setup, and from there you have to figure, either Burke is speaking the truth and Annie is nuts or Lilith is in control making it look that way. There is a definite twist in this story that shows you this movie is in no way connected to the first two stories in this series. In fact this film was disappointing just for that point alone. Granted the first two films are bad with the second at least making an effort, I was just hoping for a build on that. So in the end Soresport movies has taken the bullet for you and you never have to see any of these three. Unless of course you are a glutton for punishment.
Rating (3.3) 5.0 and up are recommended in the Zombiegrrlz system I would say SKIP IT!

Vampiyaz (2004) - Horror Vampire

Vampiyaz (2004) -The lives of a couple of thugs is forever changed when a B & E goes wrong in this supernatural urban drama. Jakeem (Richard Carroll Jr.) is convinced to crack a safe for his friend and fellow criminal Khalil (Malik Burke). They end up shooting the owner of the home after stealing his amulet of power. Jakeem can't believe that Khalil even brought a gun on the job, he hates guns and as they argue about it in there car they hit poor Tracie (Lila Blake Palmer) as she walked home. Now the bad guy Khalil wants to leave her while Jakeem thinks they should take her to the hospital. The arguement ends when Khalil shoots Jakeem leaving him to the cops and prison. Khalil leaves and in the most inexplicable scene is bitten by a vampire. What? bad luck?
Eight years later when Jakkem gets out of the "joint" he is immediately on the prowl for revenge. First though he checks up on the girl they hit. Stacie is in a wheelchair and does not really remember the night she got hit. She does not then recognized Jakeem as the guy who hit her. Now it is important to note a couple logical errors in the script. 1. What did Jakeem end up in prison for? Hitting the girl and getting shot? For the murder of the home owner? Never really explained. 2. How did the girl not hear from someone what happened to her? Wouldn't she have heard about Jakeem, seen him on the news or been questioned by the police at some point? So using some other name he starts to get to know the girl. Apparently Khalil has been watching out for him too because there is this guy Ray (Randy Clarke) to talk to Jakeem about coming to see his rival. Ray is like Renfield from the Dracula story. Khalil is a vampire and has lost the amulet and wants to get it back, so of course he waits eight fucking years for the former friend who he shot and left in the road to get out of prison, find him and then force him to crack another safe and re-steal the piece. What there were no other safe crackers good enough to do it?
Off Ray and Jakeem go to get to the safe and in a poorly designed sequence they fight their way up to is and Jakeem goes to work. They do a nice job establishing a motivation for him. He is going to get money out of the deal and will use it to make amends with Stacie by paying off her medical bills. What is not real thought out is the whole logistics of the job. They basically are stealing the amulet from a group of vampire hunters and Ray after being told not to bring a gun he does and shoots anyone he sees. At one point shooting from behind Jakeem and deafening him. How Jakeem ever got the safe open without being able to hear the clicking is not explained but apparently he is a pretty good safe cracker. They get the amulet and he gets the drop on Ray so now he has the gun. So the two go back to Khalil to get paid. In the best scene of the entire movie, he and Khalil do the exchange for the amulet but since he can not hear, the communication is totally broken down and really very funny. Writer/Director John Bacchus gets props for this scene.
We learn that the amulet will make a vampire invincible and when Jakeem learns this he manages to get it back from Khalil and make a break for it. Now though both Ray and the vampire hunters are both looking for it. The group wins and they get it back, Jakeem goes with them for the assault on Khalil's house, he has a couple of Vamp women in the house so some carnage is sure to follow. The assault goes badly for the professional vampire hunters, which leads one to think just how professional they were. There comes a point in the assault where Jakeem finds Stacie strapped with explosive and a safe to crack in a minute in order to save her. Wonderfully stupid is the best way to describe the scene. In the end things go badly for Khalil and his vixen vamps and the film ends with Jakeem getting a new job. There are way too many problems with this film to remotely consider recommending it. I liked the hip hop sound track and the NYC locations but there are too many script problems to save this one. A bonus for this is that the lovely Debbie Rochon makes an appearance as a prostitute.
Rating (1.2) 5.0 and up are recommended