Chernobyl Diaries (2012) - SPOILERS ALL THOUGH THIS!!!! There really is no way we can talk about this film's absolute inability to perform as a horror film without spoiling the movie. So I will take the low road here and completely spoil this film. If you do not want it to be spoiled for you PLEASE stop reading now.
The Chernobyl Diaries is the story of Americans in Russia where an exotic trip to the nuclear zone, the city of Prypiat around the Chernobyl Nuclear power plant goes horribly wrong. Chris (Jesse McCartney), Amanda (Devin Kelley), and Natalie (Olivia Dudley) track down Chris's brother Paul (Jonathan Sadowski) in Kiev as the travel the world. The setup is not quick in this film, we get several scenes of different places the group visits before they arrive at the brother's place in Russia. After a night of drinking Paul tells them that he has arranged a special tour in the radiation zone of the power plant which in real life melted down in April of 1986. So they are there 26 years later the radiation low enough to explore a world totally abandoned by humans. Some 350,000 people just up and left at the spur of the moment and left absolutely everything behind.
Paul hires Uri (Dimitri Diatchenko) a former soviet special forces soldier turned extreme tour guide to bring them to an abandoned city near Chernobyl. Joined by another unrelated couple Zoe (Ingrid Bolso Berdal) and Michael (Nathan Phillips) the group climbs into Uri's van and after some initial difficulty with security forces sneak into the city. They walk around and check out buildings with Amanda taking photos and Uri explaining the disaster. All of this set up takes about 35 minutes so the audience I was part of was starting to get board when the group finally heard a noise down the hall of one of the apartments there is this great set up piece where the group sees a pond and stops to check it out. There is this mutated fish with really big teeth dead on the bank. So we know we are going to be dealing with some mutant things later on. When Uri is making splashes in the water we see the live mutant fish swarming. It actually is a very good foreshadow if later someone falls in the water. In the buildings the sudden non supernatural scare is funny and surprising but boy what a long build up for a film that is only 90 minutes long. After this point the problems really start for the group and the viewer alike. When they decide to leave the van won't start, but it is not just that it won't start it has been sabotaged. It looks like someone has fucked with the distributor but this group does not seem interested in this point. Instead they quickly are turning on each other about how they got into the situation. Certainly it should have been the entire conversation, who did it?, Why they did it? but nary a word is spoken just Chris blaming his brother and Paul blaming Uri. What the fuck are these people even awake? Someone came into your van and trashed your ride and you are more into blaming each other than realizing you are in danger?
After spending the night in the van they start a conversation about hiking out. Only then does anyone note that Chris has a bad leg and is not going anywhere. To recap these people have been sitting in a van all night long, with no radio or board game or weed and this is the first time that anyone notices that Chris is not going anywhere on his mangled leg. I guess this is what happens when idiots are put into this kind of situation. So some will leave and some will stay waiting for help. The group that leaves spends the next ten minutes of film time walking away from the van and avoiding the dog pack and find a similar van to the one they are driving. They explore a bus that has been fortified against attack, with obvious bullet holes from the inside towards whatever was attacking it from outside. Whoever was in there eventually lost and the bus is abandon except for some blood. Remarkably they get a new distributor and can head back to rescue the others. Then of course they need to hide and run and things start getting really shitty. Those dogs have spotted them and they need to run, yes outrun a pack of wild dogs. Instead of holding up in the fortified bus a hundred feet away they go running off into the open country side. Crossing an old bridge that is rotting they cross the stream the dogs don't dare to go near. Now payoffs are important and since we saw the fish earlier you would think that here comes the fish attack on a massive scale. Unfortunately though because of budget constraints or just poor writing there is no big mutant fish attack and although the dude that falls into the water gets a cut on his leg he and the girlfriend who pulls him from the water are alive and safe from the dogs. On the way back it is suddenly dark, yes they head out in the morning and after 15 minutes they find the car part but it then gets dark on the way back to the van. Maybe I dozed off or something and missed the entire day, but they did not get so off track that they were gone until dark. Fuck you Chernobyl Diaries!
Rating (2.5) 5.0 and up are recommended, some more recommended than others