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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Splatter Beach (2007) - Horror Satire

Splatter Beach CoverSplatter Beach (2007) - Okay I have a confession to make, I take perverse pleasure in films like this. Super low budget total plays on films of the past. The characters are horrible exaggerations of beings without connection to anything in real life. The monsters are silly suits with some truly low budget effects thrown in. Still I watch and laugh and enjoy, What is wrong with me? What kind of early life attention was I lacking that made me stunted enough to like films like these? This film a parody like take off of maybe Creature from the Haunted Sea, or Humanoids from the Deep is not quite a fresh take. Rupert Pine (Dave Fife) and his friends Rodney Spinner (Brice Kennedy) and Tonya Smith( The very lovely Erika Smith) rent a cabin by the ocean so that Rupert can investigate mysterious disappearances in the area. He quickly and with only hear say believes something lurks beneath the waves.
The makers of the film the brothers John Polonia and Mark Polonia leave nothing to be discovered as they show the Monsters early and increasingly during the film. Right from the beginning scene when shower woman Leslie Culton is killed we know the score. Erica SmithLeslie may be better known for her parts in Terror at Tate Manor, MILF and Honey 3, Seduced by a Cougar 6 and Women's Extreme Wrestling: Big Pimpin Booty Kicks Butt but does an adequate job of being bloodied here.
The Rodney character is the most ridiculous of the group with his YO-yo-yo hip hop attitude and West Virginia basketball uniform he is a marvel to behold. Rupert is the nerd wanting to score a story and Tonya is Rodney's hot girlfriend happy and playful glad for the time at the ocean.
When the group arrives the people dying really starts to pick up Johnson the Fisherman is driven from his cottage by his nagging wife and heads down to the beach to cast a rod. Running into Duke (Ken Van Sant), the iron pumping comic relief who really serves only that purpose until the end of the movie.
John Polonia is a victimBodies start to pile up or drift into the ocean, in the scariest scene a lone swimmer Amanda Kerr is dragged beneath the waves. It happens early enough in the film that you think there might be something to make this a horror movie but alas it is the high water mark and everything that comes after it leave us marooned in moronic silliness.
Erin Brown (Misty Mundae in movies where she undresses) plays Tess Gardner, a local who knows something is going on and may be having premonitions or at least dreams about the creatures. At the same time Rupert is getting no help from the locals in gathering information for his story. Everyone is down at the local beach party where The Rip Tides are performing. Tess yells and tries to warn the girls dancing in front of a green scree, er I mean on the beach, about the monster but no one listens. Ken Van Sant works outExcept Rupert that is and now he has a lead on his story. The film turns into a bit of a music video for a while while the Rip Tides play. When we finally get back to Rupert he talks to Tess about she and her boyfriend being attacked and how she is the only one to survive. Now everyone thinks she is crazy but sea monsters are real.
Bald boat guy and Tonya are killed but not before we get repeated up skirt shots of Tonya's ass. Apparently this is the main selling point of the film because it is repeated. She didn't like how Rodney was talking up girls on the beach and storms off to her doom by going to the beach. Upset Rodney drinks himself into a state when she does not return by dark. Creature from the haunted Sea is on the tube when Rupert find the drunken Rodney passed out but nothing really happens. They set up a scene that could be scary but instead Duke comes by with his witty one liners and ruins the mood. So it was all for nothing.
Misty Mundae, Erin BrownThe next day things pick up, with Rupert and Rodney looking for Tonya and discussing how they should not call the police because Rodney would be suspect number one. Rupert alone find the bloody bikini that belonged to Tonya and as he discovers an egg a creature almost gets him. He runs away to the beach party that apparently is still going on. Rodney of the short attention span decides to stop looking and get high, now what happens next? Come on guess. Yes! right he is killed by monsters. Rupert runs into Tess and together they start breaking eggs, this apparently only pisses the monsters off because they attack in a group. Off to the beach party where we get a second music video "Splatter Beach that happens to recap the entire movie. NOTE: You could enter at this point and skip the rest of the movie because the song and accompanying visuals are a great catch up.
The sea creatureChaos ensues as the creature eventually trap Tess, Rupert and Duke in the house. Outcome certain to end with a hatching egg. So what to say... It is what it is, low budget parody fun. The sound quality is the most noticeable thing that is wrong. Just sounds low rent, like I said in the opening I really get a kick out of these type of films so I enjoyed it. Unfortunately the script is a bit of a mess and the acting is purposely campy and characters are less than compelling so when it comes to recommending this to someone else I have to NOT. If you know this kind of thing is for you give it a try otherwise no. Note also if you are a skin seeker this movie only has a couple booby shots to go with the up skirt shot mentioned early. It is not the purpose of this one.
Rating (3.3) 5.0 and above are recommended, in the Zombirgrrlz system SKIP IT!

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