Bitten (2008) - Horroredy

Bitten (2008) - The movie starts with screaming, a man appears to be holding down another dude who is screaming for help. Is this a cellar? The movies title might mean we see our first Vamp. No, it is a paramedic giving a junkie a sedative. We are introduced to the two paramedics, the young guy Jack (Jason Mewes) and his grumpy old partner Roger (Richard Fitzpatrick). They work the graveyard shift and Jack is having women problems. Braking up with his girlfriend and as he says "Rog what type of girls am I going to meet working the graveyard shift. Do you know any girls who are out past 4am that don't want a hundred bucks to spend the night." There is the crux of the problem, or the setup for the plot.

Mewes heads home but stops for milk, which it seems has only purpose to show some face zooms as he argues with the Indian store owner and to establish his life sucks. He passes a couple of thugs in the alley of his house who notice him and then gets home and sits down with a beer to doze in front of the television.

The next evening back at the station he has another establishing conversation about women and his lack of dating. Another opportunity for Jack to spout without a solution. They go out on a calls with a music montage of the nights events. Not as funny as they think sort of keystone cops but not really sped up in speed. Jack then returns home passing the thugs dealing drugs in his alley. He finds a body behind his house, a woman, Danika (Erica Cox) alive but covered with blood. She sort of fights him saying "no hospitals", he takes her into his house instead of leaving her to the local thugs. He tends to her but can't find out much about her as she says she can not remember her name and there have been no missing persons in her description.

The next day at work Roger notices he is different. There is no indication that she is okay or why Jack just left a stranger at his house. As Roger and Jack talk while on a call he is advised to take her to a hospital. She is a mystery women. He trusts her some how and Rog thinks that is a bunch of shit and echos what the audience is thinking even though it was not necessary.

Returning home Jack finds Danika looking hot sitting in the window. We know she is suppose to be hot because of the porn movie music and the long slow camera pan up her body. Of course the blood covered dress is not so hot. Jack in another ridiculous piece of dialog asks her why she is sitting in the window, it cold out he says. Cold but he just walked in from out there with his shirt undone. He gets her to shower and loans her some of his exgirlfriend's clothes. She changes where Jack and the audience can see the rather lovely Danika take off her towel and show her beautiful body as she dresses. Music again to show the effect she has on Jack as he looks over at her. I wonder why he doesn't comment on her freaky too blue eyes. She does some cuddle time with him making small talk.

He falls asleep quickly and we see him waking up on Friday to find her in tough shape shaking on the couch. Looks like the DTs but we know by the title and the bandage on her neck what the problem is. Why is she so insistent that she not go to the hospital. Jack calls Roger to come help. He thinks she is a junkie and is going through withdrawal. On his way to work he has a confrontation with his ex, who when he leaves lets herself in. Guess who the first victim is?

Jack and Rog do some more spouting about the mysterious Danika. Is she a junkie, should you be involved. Roger doesn't have a very high opinion of women but is supportive in not actively shitting on his keeping Danika around. The film is so clumsy with its meaningless dialog. Every time the writer wants to explain Jack's feelings there is banter with Roger. Thing is the best way to let us know is to show us, not have a conversation without any action at all.

Coming home Jack finds his exgirlfriend Sherry (Jordan Madley) dead and it is the crying Danika who did it. She is distraught not knowing why she bit her. She has sort of fangs now. Instead of there being a scene where Jack does something constructive he starts kissing her. The sexy music starts and the bloody Danika starts making out with him only to lose control and bite him. Only now does he realize she has fangs and pulls her to the window into the light. Her skin burns where the light touches it. She runs to the bathroom, close up of her burnt arm. He follows her in and in the stupidest couple lines of the movie she says, "Jack, what's wrong with me?" and he replies "I wish I fucking knew. Holy shit you ate my exgirlfriend I don't know whether to call the police or give you flowers." What are you kidding me, then why pull her into the light? Why comment on her fangs? Has there NEVER been such things as vampires, even fictional in this world? Then he instead of calling the police gets rid of Sherry in bubble wrap to the Barney the dinosaur song, "Tidy up your mess." A pathetic not very funny piece that gets then to what is supposed to be a cool camera shot through the bubble wrap up at our characters while they again explain that they should be showing us. I believe they will see that girl again.

Another conversation between Roger and Jack, oh so bad... Rog find the new girl hot, and can't stop talking about the junkie girl. He jokes around while Jack soul searches about what you do when people do bad things. In the end the conversation means Jack will not tell on Danika. Danika is smoking hot in her underwear when he gets home. He is tired but she is ready to play after sleeping most of the dead. They are accepting that she is sort of a vampire. This is upsetting to her. When he comes out of the shower she has the shakes again and so it will be just a matter of time before they have to get blood. First Jack gets a cat but that is a no go for Danika, cat blood makes her sick. He has to get human blood so obviously the two thugs will eventually be the targets. For now though he raids the fridge at the station for some plasma. When she tries it it also makes her sick, they learn it has to be living blood that she needs. He offers his own blood. That did the trick but it is very hard for her to stop. Now it is time for thug blood.

Jack is not so sure about watching her in her underwear draining the dude in ecstasy. She is hot but he is not turned on. Jack goes to clean up and drop the dude in the trunk with the first body, but when he opens it his now undead girlfriend pops out. It is an attempt at comedy to stake her.

Another conversion about how Roger imagines dirty sex with Danika, and then foreshadows how the life is being drained from Jack. He sends him home because he feels Jack is too tired to work. When he gets home Danika brings up the idea of changing Jack into a vampire. The music comes up and the clothes come off. Danika moves in for a bite but stops herself. "You don't know what its like. Its like I want to fuck you and eat you at the same time." Time to feed again. Time for thug number two.

So now we get an indication that the Barney song and the cleaning up of corpses is getting to him. The cracks in their relationship become more prevalent. He is afraid of her going in public and does not want her out. She goes without him. He falls asleep and dreams Danika is going to stake him. He wakes late for work as Danika brings the lovely Maya (Amy Lynn Grover) home for a three way. Jack is not impressed but joins in anyway for the music soaked three way sex scene. It is stylish in its way ending and in the morning we have another Jack freak out scene because in the night she killed Maya. Jack doesn't like the bodies and wants it to end. While they are clearing up the body the land lady interrupts and Danika needs to kill her.

Jack heads to work for another obvious conversation with Roger. The bag of blood comes back to haunt him. Roger tries to get answers but a call near Jacks house interrupts them, The Indian store clerk is lying dying from guess what, a bite wound. Roger send Jack on an errand at the end of the work day and goes to confront Danika. Looking around the house he closes in on the bodies. He finds the blood bag and then Danika seems threatening, sensual but Jack interrupts her. Jack is pissed and wants Roger out of the house.

She wants more blood but Jack locks her in a room. Things are going poorly and Jack knows the end of this has to happen some way. A walk and a musical montage shows Jack healthy couples spending time in the sun. This is where he will resolve to move the movie to climax. He visits Roger and smooths things over with Roger, saying he needs her out of his life. He wants advice from Roger on how to break up. He is a dick so this advice is useless, but in his bull shitting they telegraph the solution for this problem and even repeat it by the end of the scene. Roger rushes off after Jack thinking the obvious.

The break up conversation through the locked door is tedious and when he goes to make his move to stake her she breaks down the door. She is going to get Jack, Roger arrives and the battle begins with attempts of humor that isn't funny. They call back the first scene of the movie and then the final battle. She bites Jack and Roger gets the staking done. Now Jack will turn so Roger and jack have the dying victim scene. You can't let him change Roger can you? End Credits.

Such a really painful experience ends with bloopers that are better than the movie. Watch all the way until the end of the credits for the final hidden scene.

Rating (3.6) Anything over a five is recommended. Zombiegrrlz rating, Skip this one!